It’s crazy how life plays out. As a child, I’ve always thought of my life being this: I finish high school, go to college, graduate, move to an exotic part of the world, meet a boy, get married, have children, become a grandma, retire. But my life as we know it goes a little something like: finish high school, go to college, drop out, move to Utah, meet a boy, work. Well, thus far. But I would have never thought of my life to be how it is today. I have changed. I have grown. I am ten times more responsible now than I was a couple of years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I’m in love with a man that truly loves me for me and all my wacky ideas, thoughts, and actions. He’s amazing. Funny. Trustworthy. Lovable. And most of all, he’s my best friend. Knows me inside and out. But some days I will sit back and day dream. Day dream about what my life could have been like. What if I would have stayed in school? What if I would have graduated and moved to an exotic part of the world like…Brazil? Who knows what my life would or could have been like. I could have been president! Haha, yeah. In my dreams. Actually, no. Not in my dreams. Presidency comes with the worlds problems so I’ll pass. ANYWHO, I digress, my life is where I would have NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR thought it would be but I am happy I have met some amazing people along the way. Some of them I don’t talk to much anymore, but they are still always on my mind. Like Alison, Leanne,Craig, Xiao, Alex Cole, Rob, Melisa, Vickie, Daisy, Kat. I will be 100% honest and say that these were my best friends that I had while in college. Though I rarely talk to them anymore, I would hope deep down that they have room in their hearts for me still. And know that though I am horrible at staying in daily (or even monthly) contact, I do care for them. A lot. Since that small list of people, the only real friend I have is my boyfriend. Haha. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Well, enough of my blabber and rantics, I shall go doodle or watch some Buffy the Vampire Slayer because we all know how amazing that show is. :D
Peace, love, and music.
Peeling back the corners of every raw corner.
Emptying any regret that lies in my heart.
Remembering my inner song bird and how she loves to fly.
But yet, yet I like having a chain.
Like settling down.
Like waking up to the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.
Decisions will be the death of me.
I don’t know what else to do at this point… I’ve put my heart on the table and you don’t seem to care anymore. After all this time, one small hiccup, you throw in the towel. I kept making myself believe that my life didn’t have you painted at the end of it, and now that you’ve disappeared, all I can imagine is you coming back to me and us living happily ever after. At the same time, I should be telling myself that life isn’t over and that there will be better things, better opportunities, someone else to love in my future… But it’s hard to believe that when you are the one that I see myself with in 60 years from now… :’( only time can heal this hurt…
I have so much running through my mind right now. Hate, sadness, anger, love, happiness. Everything.
First off, I’ve been pretty upset lately. For one, I know I’ve said this before, but I really am invisible. The people from my past that used to be my best friends are never there. Like, at all. I’m so transparent to them it’s kind of ridiculous. They’ll go out of their way to check on everyone else and I see it all over FB and I sit here and think, ‘“Wow… that makes me feel great.”. A part of me makes me feel like I’m over reacting but at the same time, these are people that I’ve tried so hard to stay friends with when I first left school. Still, I feel clear. People don’t realize how much I didn’t want to leave school and how HARD it was to say goodbye… it’s not like I WANTED to leave, I had to. If I could go back and make things better, I would. But there is no point in regretting the past and making myself feel like I’m the one that should be trying harder because in the end, I know that I’ve tried numerous times to stay friends with people and it just never happens. I think I’m just going to start deleting people so I don’t have to see posts from them anymore. There isn’t any point in having this false hope deep down that one day everything can be good again. I’m over it. I’m so sick and tired of putting in 90% of the effort and everyone else putting in 10%. I can honestly sit here and say that I have three friends from UCD: Melisa, Vickie, and Alison. They are the only ones that actually text me, message me, or say a simple ‘Hi!’ once in awhile to stay in touch with me. Everyone else, I’m tired of making the effort. Yeah, ONCE in a BLUE MOON I’ll get a ‘Hello.’ but that doesn’t constitute as a friendship anymore. I don’t even know if anyone even reads this but it’s a way for me to vent so I’m venting.
And through all this sadness and regret, I still have room to be in love with a great man. :) And have my mom back in my life when for the longest time, I had no relationship with her. Yeah, I am going to lose friends here and there, but what I do know is that since I’ve graduated high school, I’ve learned to focus on what I want in life, be careful who you trust, and to never lose a connection with your parents and siblings. I love my mom and brothers SO MUCH it literally hurts. So I don’t care if I live on this earth with NO friends, they are my blood. I love them more than anything in this world.
And lastly, I just want to say to everyone (as if anyone is actually reading my lame thoughts), follow your heart. As cliche as that may sound, follow your heart because sometimes it can be right. And the other times? It’s called experience. Never let someone make a decision for you and don’t let someone control your life. You’ll never be truly happy.
Love, peace, and happiness. <3
I was looking through FB today and I saw an old friends FB page. As I scrolled down I saw that when she first got a FB I wrote to her asking how she was doing. Then she replied and said that she was good and asked how I was. I never responded for only God knows what reason I had or I just didn’t see it. Anywho, now, that old, special friend has passed away. I just can’t help but think… Well, what it’s like to die. It might be kind of depressing to think about but I can’t stop. How do you feel right before death? Does it hurt? Does your spirit ACTUALLY live on? All sorts of questions keep boggling my head. I miss my friend, Liz. She was a genuine, loving, good-hearted person. Her and I were best friends in 7-8th grade but with time, we grew apart. I just wish I could have responded to that one post months and months ago so I could have possibly caught up with her and became friends all over again.
To my dear friend, Elizabeth Mazuca; May you rest in peace and keep watching over all of us here in hell. You’ll always have a special place in my heart.
I’ve been here thinking about my life and everything that I’ve come out to be and the only thing that I regret, is not telling the one person I loved most in this world goodbye. It’s hard living through life knowing that you’ll never see someone again. It’s a weird feeling that I have just discovered. It’s like, yeah, they’re gone, but there is something inside of me that just DOESN’T believe it? I don’t know. it’s weird.
Also, lately I’ve been feeling kinda lonely. Everyone and anyone that I once talked to in Davis has resulted in only talking consistently to 3 people. It’s funny how I used to be the person everyone would come to for everything. From parties to problems and everything in between. And now, now I feel like a distant memory that no one would ever want to reflect on and think about. I think about Davis and the people that come to mind pretty much everyday. But to everyone else, I’m invisible. I feel like I shouldn’t let it bug me, which I haven’t really, but it’s just a thought that does cross my mind every so often. Sometimes making decisions and letting people go is best for me because in the end, it’s MY life. I just wish people would make an effort to still be in it (I do appreciate the 3 that are still my friends and make just as much effort as me. For the others that basically ignore me, eff you.).
My BF and I have been together a LONG time.. more than I would have ever imagined. It’s been more than a year but feels like just a short couple of months. Things are good between us but I’m at that stage in a relationship where I sit back and think, this is getting serious.. Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Is this the person that I’m meant to be with? I can’t help but have obvious feelings of doubt but at the same time, there is something inside of me that tells me that this IS my path. Heck, I’m only 22. I have a long life to live and marriage and kids aren’t on my mind at this moment. I still feel like I’m 18, afterall…
Finally, my one last thought of this morning, health. For about a week now I’ve been feeling kinda like, sick? or, idk. i feel kinda unhealthy. I’ve never been one to talk about my size or anything like that, but I’ve been reading and watching tons of health shows, articles, and so on and so forth. And I’ve come to realize that I wanna get healthy. It’s not that I think that I’m ugly or too big, it’s just that I wanna be able to live long enough to take care of my kids and not get exhausted if they wanna run around and play. I’ve been pretty active my whole life but for about a year I’ve just been ignoring activity in general. And it’s not good. So with that said, I’m going to start buckling down and I wanna start going to the gym. It might seem ironic since I’m not a super skinny girl, but I actually really like the feeling of working out. It makes me feel like I did something with my day rather than sit around all day and do nothing. Once the Olympics are over, I’m going to start going to the gym and eating right. I have to wait because I can’t NOT watch the Olympics… it’s only every 4 years! :P
Sometimes it takes separation for people to realize how much they actually loved a person. But for those two to reunite again takes courage; courage to let down that guard and be vulnerable. If you love the person that you let get away, and it’s not too late, put that guard down and let down your pride. We only live life once, might as well take that chance even if you look like an idiot.
When you’re secretly planning something pretty amazing for someone but all you get in return is silence makes all the effort seem pointless. Doesn’t seem worthy to go literally out of your way. So tired of everyone making me feel like nothing better than the scum underneath nasty old shoes. Doesn’t matter what I’ve done or haven’t done, I don’t deserve to be treated like crap. No one does. Goodbye, world. I’m done talking to people that don’t care.
Sometimes it becomes too much effort to keep friendships when it becomes one-sided. Time to stop trying. Makes me sad that I can count my friends on one hand these days. Guess this was how is was meant to be. Seems like change is fairly popular these days in my life… Hmm..